How Bipolar Made My Writing Take a Detour
And how I found my way back
In 2018, I sold my business to pursue a dream. I’d been writing since I was a kid, and finally got the nerve and the life experience to want to pen a book. The inspiration coincided with the end of my marriage.
With several overwhelming life changes happening at once, I set out to begin the book after my separation. I had a clear vision of what I wanted to write: a guide on how to use martial arts principles to manage life.
My first draft was handwritten in a scribble that I made sure I couldn’t read. I wanted it to be all feeling, as visceral an experience as possible without overthinking. I had to let out some emotion before I started typing.
What I didn’t count on was that my mental health would get in the way. I wasn’t realistic about how much my divorce would affect me. I got off my medication on my own. My writing got dark.
Bipolar mood swings had me going from suicidal to prophetic from one day to the next. I developed a messiah complex but could feel like the scum of the earth in the next breath.
Throughout the rapid cycling, I wrote. I was honest about where my head was every time I sat down to work. There was no pretending. When I felt I had the answers, I’d say so, and when I was lost, I’d say that too.
Eventually, what came out was something far different from what I intended. It became more of an inside look at the ups and downs of bipolar disorder and the personal inflation that can happen during hypomanic episodes.
A year after releasing that first book on my own, I pitched my original idea, Internal Jiu Jitsu: Conquering Mind and Body Resistance by Giving Way, to several publishing companies. After I sent them three sample chapters, White Deer Publishing/How2Conquer got back to me and offered me a deal.
Five years had passed since the idea was originally conceived in my kitchen, but something wouldn’t let it die. The first draft poured out in a couple of days. It had been percolating for half a decade.
The process has shown me a lot about not giving up. I sent dozens of inquiries to agents and publishers when I first decided to write the book, and only got back rejection letters. Going back to pitching my original idea seemed like a dead end, but I tried anyway, and it paid off.
How many things do you give up on too soon? How often did you quit just before you would have struck oil?
It’s tough to keep going when you don’t know how much longer it will be. Will it be worth the effort? Will it ever happen?
You’ve got to keep at it without knowing the when or how. Sometimes, what you’re doing won’t make any sense. You’ll just feel the overwhelming need to do it. Listen to that feeling.
My new book, Internal Jiu Jitsu: Conquering Mind and Body Resistance By Giving Way, is now available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books.org, or even better, at your local bookstore!.
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