Unmotivated
Having a hard time getting started doesn’t mean you’re lazy
There are a lot of motivational gurus out there. Tony Robbins holds massive concerts where he charges thousands of dollars for desperate people to listen to his hours-long pitch to buy his next course or come to his next live event. All these people are seeking hope among a sea of like-minded individuals. They want a better life, but still need motivation.
Most of these folks aren’t intrinsically motivated. They require an outside force to drive them toward a goal. I have ADHD, so I know a thing or two about a lack of motivation. Issues with dopamine mean my reward circuits are jacked up; no perceived reward, no motivation.
Short-term goals always worked better for me. During my bodybuilding days, 8–12 weeks was the amount of time I’d take to get ready for a contest. I could envision the day of the competition, and push myself in the gym to achieve a certain look on time. Lifting weights day in and day out without a goal was boring.
In Brazilian jiu jitsu, students receive stripes on their belts as they progress. After four stripes, they’re eligible for promotion to the next belt color. The stripes are a measuring stick between belts to keep students motivated. Each new stripe brings visions of the next.
Without those little acknowledgements, it’s tough to keep going sometimes. It can take ten years or more to get a black belt, so if the wait were just from white belt to black, even more people would drop out than already do. As is, most students give up after promotion to the first colored belt.
Why do people need so much encouragement to go after what they say they want? What stops them from pursuing their stated goals?
The first culprit is the work. Plans are easy to make, but execution takes time and effort. Images of success that flash before your eyes may be vivid, but making them a reality requires a sometimes long and arduous process. That’s something a lot of people don’t want to deal with.
And that might be because they don’t think they can do it. Anything that has never been done may seem impossible until the wheels are in motion. Often, we underestimate how much hard work we can endure. We imagine we don’t have it in us.
That’s when an encouraging voice might put us over the edge. It can serve to reinforce our inner compass, reassuring us of what we’ve already felt about ourselves. Those looking from the outside in can often see more than we can. They can have a broader view of the picture, offering a fresh perspective that takes more factors into account.
The way we see ourselves is skewed. We’ve got baggage. All our doubts and failures pile onto each other before we choose to go for something new. What if we’re not good enough? What if we fail?
Failure is always a real possibility. The question is, what does failure mean? Is it simply a measure of persistence to have failed multiple times? In this sense, failure is admirable. It shows a willingness to admit and accept mistakes and to learn from them. Failure is only a sin if it completely stops you in your tracks.
Sometimes, hitting a roadblock in one pursuit opens up another path. What you thought was a barrier becomes a guiding force. You are encouraged to go right or left when you intend to go straight, but you hadn’t noticed all the treasure in your periphery. The only prize isn’t the one you’ve had your eye on all along. There is much more out there.
And motivation can carry you to those unforeseen jewels. The movement of a motivated person is bound to bring some success, even if it isn’t what was originally sought. A person who was approached about a project that they turned down may be open to another idea. Without opening doors through persistence, dreams die before they’ve gained any steam.
The problem with outside motivation is its dependence on emotion. Feelings are fleeting, and motivation brought on from a pep talk might have us flying high for a few moments before the reality of our task sinks in. Without our personal cheerleader by our side, our resolve may wane. When that external voice dies out, we’re left deflated.
For me, motivation often comes in a big burst before dying down. It will then take me a rather long process to get off the ground with whatever it is that I’m pursuing. I may declare that I want to accomplish a certain task, but I won’t muster the motivation to do it for another month or two. Once I’ve stated a goal, I’m confident that I’ll go after it, but I just don’t always know when.
Sometimes it might even take years for me to do something I’ve always wanted to accomplish. I don’t desperately berate myself for not doing something right away, unless it’s time sensitive. A goal can stay in the back of my mind forever, on a long to-do list, until the time feels right. It may not even be something particularly difficult, but sometimes I need space to digest and prepare myself mentally to cross something off my list.
If you’ve ever worked out with a partner, you know they can help you push for an extra rep or two on your exercises with an encouraging word. We usually have another gear we can switch to to get more out of ourselves. Sometimes it takes someone else to flip that switch for us. When we doubt we have anything left, it can take a loud external voice to remind us of what we’re capable of.
For most of my life, I thought I was lazy. Although I’ve always devoted myself to doing difficult things, often with little reward, I felt as though my self-doubt and procrastination meant I was destructively unmotivated. But I was getting to what I wanted to do eventually. I might have been delayed in getting there, but I’d get there.
When I was first diagnosed with ADHD, my psychiatrist suggested I read Smart But Stuck by Thomas E. Brown. The book talks about how issues with reward circuits make many capable people feel unmotivated and unworthy. I immediately felt understood. I wasn’t a loser; my brain just worked differently. I could never imagine working in the same place for twenty years, and I couldn’t justify saving for a rainy day because I couldn’t see that far ahead.
Today, I know that my initial enthusiasm over a project will die out, and I’ll need to dig deep to want to continue. I understand that the desired outcome will take time to achieve, and the process won’t always be fun. By keeping the goal in mind but embracing each step as a reward, I’m able to take action toward an end while not focusing on the end alone. This allows me to live more in the moment while still projecting enough into the future to realize the benefits of the journey I’ve embarked on. Delayed gratification is something I’ve had to learn as an adult.
If you have an issue with intrinsic motivation, you’re not alone. While ignoring the hard work it takes to make your dreams manifest may make you aim too high, keeping the goal in the back of your mind while considering the work as the prize is a sure way to slowly creep toward your destination. Before you know it, all the small steps you’ve taken in the moment will lead you to your vision.
My new book, Internal Jiu Jitsu: Conquering Mind and Body Resistance By Giving Way, is now available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books.org, or even better, at your local bookstore!.
Sign up for my monthly newsletter!
Visit my website, InternalJiuJitsu.com, for exclusive content.